Whisper House Press

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Whisper Heights Independent School Panel (WHISP) Middle School Newsletter: April 2024

by CJ Erick

ANNUAL POETRY COMPETITION

The annual poetry competition scheduled for May has been postponed until further notice. The two teachers who facilitate this competition have taken unexpected leaves of absence for unrelated personal reasons. To address the rumors circulating among students, they’ve each given permission to share the generalities: Mrs. Henson is under rest orders and observation, and well-wishes may be directed to her at the mental rehabilitation ward at Mt. Carmel Hospital. Miss Stephens is currently undergoing treatment at an unnamed facility and is not receiving messages. Parents concerned about rumors of “verses summoning demons from the Gates of H_ll” are advised not to take these rumors seriously and are reminded that young teenagers have overactive imaginations.

FURNACE INSPECTION

Merriman HVAC Specialist is currently conducting an inspection and repair of the main air furnace system. Teachers and students reported “strange wailing” noises coming from the school basement before dark smoke issued from the system vents. Initial findings discovered nothing unusual, although a small amount of green oozing material permeates in ductwork. Additionally, system controls were found to have been adjusted by unknown parties, but student suggestions the system might be “haunted” are not to be taken seriously.

A final report on the HVAC system is expected shortly.

SPELLING BEE RESULTS

Alexandra Plinska has won the annual 8^th Grade spelling competition.. after successfully spelling the word “catharsis” to claim the prize over forty other participants. After the field was reduced to five contestants, Michael Thomas was eliminated after misspelling “toxicity,” two other contestants fell ill and asked to withdraw, and a fourth was disqualified after being absent the day of the finals, following an unfortunate restroom accident the day before. 

Note: Please report any information about the whereabouts of Timothy Jones, the winner of the 7^th Grade Competition, to the county sheriff’s department.

Alexandra recently moved to Whisper Heights from St. Petersburg, Russia with her parents Ilya and Ivan. The Plinska’s have requested no inquiries into their past or present occupations, but report having left behind “a large family” in their home country. Any inquiries about the location of the Plinska’s residence by unknown parties should be reported to the county sheriff’s office.

SPORTS JAMBOREE

The annual sports jamboree was a huge success, with not one, but seven state record performances by school athletes from the four-county area. New records were set in girls’ high jump, boys’ long jump, girls’ and boys’ 400-meter dashes, girls’ shot put, and both the girls’ and boy’s 100-meter freestyle swims. Please note that urine samples collected from all event winners are due by Friday, May 1, at the special request of the State Committee for Athletic Means and Measures (SCAMM).

Note: The county sheriff’s office requests that athletes refrain from sending them any additional urine samples.

SCIENCE FAIR

The annual Spring Science Fair competition was won by Lara McMelson, with her dancing Artificial Intelligence Computer Model, which featured videos of dancing cats. Several other AI image-generation projects were disqualified. Images and videos have been reviewed extensively by art teacher Mr. Wormsley and PE teacher Mr. Petersen, who report any resemblance to persons living or dead in the offending materials were purely coincidental, especially those depicting other faculty members.

Note: Chemistry projects will be banned from future science fair competitions after one team “accidently” produced designer steroids. Unfortunately, the exhibit was robbed, and any information about the whereabouts of taken materials should be turned over to the county sheriff’s office.

SCHOOL COMPUTER SYSTEM HACK AND RANSOMWARE

We’re pleased to report that all student records have been released by the Rude School ransomware group after a nominal payment was made. Perpetrators offered assurances our students’ files would not be targeted again. The two Commodore 64 school computers are being upgraded as part of the expanded school budget. All proceeds from the annual carnival for the Future Business Architects (FUBAR) will be used for these upgrades.

DISCIPLINARY SUMMARY

• Two sixth-grade students have been suspended pending investigation of selling controlled substances after a large bag of money was found in the locker they shared.
• An investigation is underway into a suspicious envelope containing a white powder received by math teacher Mr. Walters. For those concerned, Mr. Walter has been taken off the ventilator and is expected to make a full recovery. At this time, his date of return is unknown. Any information about the source of this envelope or about the nature of the substance should be reported to the county sheriff’s office.
• Drama coach Mr. Lupus is offering a $50 reward for information leading to the return of a FedEx package taken from his vehicle in the school parking lot (bonus if returned unopened). Discretion is requested as the item taken was a special gift for an acquaintance. A reward bonus is offered if the package is returned unopened.

OTHER ANNOUNCEMENTS

Now Hiring!

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CJ Erick’s stories have been published by Brilliant Flash Fiction, WMG Publishing, Camden Park Press, and others. His short fiction received a recent Pushcart nomination and inclusion in The Best Small Fictions 2023 anthology. He writes in multiple genres, publishes novels in a space fantasy series, and dabbles in poetry. He lives in the Dallas area with his wife and their rescue superhero dog Saber-Girl, calls his sourdough bread starter “Ursula” (K. Le Guin), and cooks crazy-good Cajun food for a Midwest Yankee. MFA 2022. Kenyon Review Fiction Workshop 2024.